I expect there to be many, many segments to this post. Everyday, being a mom teaches me something new. I learn something either about myself, my child (soon to be children), or the world that revolves around me. This lesson has been a year in the making and I'm still learning and trying to change everyday.
First off, a little background from my childhood and what my expectations have always been. My mom was a working mom. I'm the youngest so by the time I came around my mom was back at work full time, at least that I can remember. So, I expected and have always seen myself as a "working mom".
Now lets get back to me, now, and my life how it really is. I'm a stay at home mom. With this comes lots of joy and lots of...challenges, shall we say? Don't get me wrong, I love most of the things that come along with being a SAHM. Like today, Denali slept in till 9 (as did I), we had a long lazy breakfast, and then went on an hour bike ride to the park and back. There's no way I could have a day like that as a working mom.
About 6 or 7 months ago, Denali started to become really independent. I thought this was amazing for a short time until my "purpose" started to fade away. As she began to need me less and less, my days would drag, so I began to make lists. All sorts of lists. Grocery shopping lists, lists of things to do around the house, lists of things to teach Denali, lists of things I wanted to achieve, and everyday I would create a list of things I HAD to get done.
I didn't realize the reason, but I was becoming more and more unhappy with every passing day. I thought "I'm unhappy because I'm not doing enough with my life". So I began to pack more and more into my day. I would spend hours frantically searching the house, the yard, the city for something "useful" to do. One question you may have is where was Denali during all my useful, productive, purposeful activity? Well to tell you the truth, I only half know. After all I was only giving her half of my attention. This all continued until I finally was so tired and so unhappy that my body gave up. I was completely, physically and mentally, exhausted.
Andrew and I took Denali on a trip down to St George near the end of the summer. This trip was the most amazing trip I've ever been on. Why? Because we did nothing. We had no schedule, no activities to do. Andrew, Denali and I spent 5 days doing nothing. I usually hate vacations like this, they drive me crazy, but It. Was. Amazing. As our vacation started winding down and it was time to start thinking about going home, the depression set in. The last night we were there I cried and cried to Andrew telling him about how I didn't want to go home because then all the stresses and lists and daily tasks would come back. Of course at that time I didn't realize what I was really saying was, I would be letting myself down again and again and again.
On the drive home from St George I was scrolling through my Facebook and read an article that so far has changed my life and probably the entire life of my child and future children. Read it Here. To summarize, the article is written by a mom who had to learn the hard way to slow down and enjoy every moment. I really recommend reading the entire thing. Even though the article didn't specifically address the "lack of purpose" I had in my life, I realized with an "AH HA!" and a little bit of a "DUH!" moment why I was so unhappy.
I was missing EVERYTHING! While I was obsessing over the daily tasks and lists that I made, I was missing my most important purpose in life. Loving, nurturing, teaching, and giving my daughter my full attention. Now, I realize I can't give her my full attention all the time, if even close, but even and hour of my full attention is better than 24 of only half of my attention. I've been told these things again and again and again in church lessons and meetings but for some reason it never really sunk in.
I no longer make any lists (well besides a grocery list). That day I committed to changing my perception about what my purpose was. I finally realized that the things on my lists were of no importance when it came to spending time with and giving my daughter everything I could. I really thought I was doing the "right thing" by trying to be as productive as possible but sometimes its better to let the dishes and laundry sit, even if all you did was stare at flowers all day with your kid.
I am about 8 trillion times happier now that I threw the list and the schedule out the window. Do you know who is even more happy though? Denali. By not having a list I'm much more susceptible to what the spirit is telling me and what Denali is telling me she needs. Of course, as I said in the beginning, everyday is a challenge and changing a difficult but I'm confident that it's well worth it.
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