Grandpa Clair

I've been meaning to write this post for a while, mostly just so that I don't forget, but it's proving harder than I expected it to be.

A couple of weeks ago my Grandpa found out he had a pretty severe terminal cancer. On general conference weekend Andrew and I were down at the Titensors in Orem watching the first session. During a break I decided that I better go get my phone, when I did I noticed a voice mail on it, the voice mail was from my dad saying that grandpa wasn't doing well and that it would be best to come see him sometime that day if I wanted a chance to say goodbye.

It had been a long time since we had spent anytime with Andrew's family and I know that Andrew was looking forward to spending the weekend with them be he insisted that we go up to Ogden to spend time with Grandpa and the rest of my family.

During the drive up to Ogden I couldn't help but to feel really really nervous. For the first time in my life I just wanted to hide, from the family, from Grandpa, and from my emotions. I've never really felt that way before. I've read about characters in books who often feel that way and I was always confused why they couldn't just accept the emotions and do something about it. I've always been one to follow and act on my emotions so I usually don't hide them away but oh how I wanted to.

When Andrew and I arrived at the hospital, the room was packed full of family. I was really relieved when everyone seemed to be laughing and having a good time. Grandpa was fast asleep in his bed with his mouth WIDE open, just like my dad. To be honest I'm glad Grandpa was asleep which is so pitiful of me. I just knew that I wouldn't be able to hold it together and talk to him. I knew I would be crying so hard that I wouldn't be able to utter anything to him. It was really nice to watch him sleep so peacefully and think about how much I loved him. I stayed in the room for awhile and said my own private goodbyes before I went to find my husband who had slipped out with out me noticing.

The Wednesday after conference I was driving down the road and was getting really frustrated with my ipod when I found out that my grandpa had passed away. I felt really guilty that I had been so worried about what music was playing in my car when there were much more important things to be thinking about.

Friday night was Grandpa's viewing. I purposefully only wore mascara on my top lashes because I knew I would cry, and cry I did. Grandpa looked so nice in his temple clothes. I was reminded when my Great Grandpa died a couple years ago. I remember seeing his temple clothes for the first time. I thought to myself how incredibly handsome he looked in his temple clothes and I remember the spirit telling me that I needed to find a man who could wear those clothes worthily and take me through the temple. I'm so glad I did. I also thought about the fact that my little girl wouldn't know Grandpa at all in this life. Well at least I assume so, maybe she's already met him, maybe she was there to welcome him through the veil.

Ann was standing next to Grandpa talking with each family member. I again had the feeling to run away. By this time I was balling and could not say a single word even though there were so many that I wanted to say. Grandma told me how nice it was that we were there and I was able to tell her that we wouldn't be anywhere else. She said 'I know, but I mean here in my life' then I wanted to tell her how much I love her and that I'm so grateful she's in my life but of course couldn't because I was crying so much. Then I wanted to tell Andrew how pretty Grandpa's casket was but all I could to was point and give him a thumbs up.

Andrew and I then walked out into the hall so I could blow my nose. My dad found us out there and asked us if we recognized the mountain that was pictured behind Grandpa's obituary. Andrew guessed correctly and said Mt Timpanogos to which my dad started telling us that one of his earliest memories of his dad was actually hiking that mountain with him. Then Jordo came up and started tickling me and I never got to hear the rest of that story. I'll have to make sure that I do someday.

Saturday was the funeral. It was really really beautiful! I loved hearing all the different stories form Grandpa's children and listening to their testimonies of the gospel. Sue talked about Saturday mornings with Grandpa. Lisa talked about the difference Grandpa made in her life during her college years including the time he drove her to the church and back to her apartment 5 times to make sure she knew the way to church. Tom gave the history of Grandpa's life and talked about the time when they visited Pear Harbor and didn't need a tour guide because Grandpa could tell them everything they needed to know about the ship. Lori gave an account of more recent experiences and all the tender mercies she had felt during the past couple weeks. My dad talked about cracked wheat and compared Grandpa to a nice hardy bowl of cracked wheat.

I definitely learned why my dad is the way he is from listening to everyone's stories about grandpa. I learned why my parents will probably never move, why we hike the way we hike, and why to this day my dad still has a bowl of cracked wheat in the morning.

The burial was one of my favorite parts of the day. Since Grandpa was in the Navy they honored him and gave the flag that was lying on his casket to Grandma. There was a piper from my mom's band, Wasatch and District, who played at his graveside which is something that hits home, with my family especially. My favorite was when someone started whistling the tune 'on the street where you live' and who ever could, joined in.

I left feeling exhausted but peaceful. I was reminded of the important things in life and pushed to be a better person. To bring honor to the Dearden name.

I wanted to mention a few things that my Grandpa said, not to me but to others, before he died. He would frequently say, in his last days, that he was late for a party or for his appointment. When told he could go to his party he replied "but I can't go in my jammies!". He told his bishop that the next time he would see him that "it would be a party". He as well would talk about a door that he was looking for, a door that he had a hard time finding or opening. These simple, seemingly meaningless, phrases say a lot to me.