Crying

Here are some thoughts I have on crying.

My husband doesn't cry. I've seen Andrew cry very few times in the length of knowing him. A couple nights ago I was having a hard time feeling my baby move. Denali is a really active baby, even the nurses and my doctor have commented on how active she is, so it really worries me when I haven't felt her move for a long time. It was our night off and Andrew had decided that he wanted to go to the climbing gym for a couple hours that night. When he came home he found a very emotional. grumpy, frustrated wife. It was our night off and I had been home alone all day, unable to do anything because of bed rest, and looked forward to spending the evening with him. Instead I sat home alone all night too which didn't please me much and on top of that baby wasn't moving. I decided to put together my new breast pump and figure out how it worked. I ended up getting really really frustrated and started crying. Andrew asked me why I was crying and I told him that baby hadn't been moving and I was getting nervous about it. He then told me, and i'm sure he did not intend it to be mean at all, that "i didn't need to cry about it". I know he meant it as "it's going to be okay, you don't need to worry, you don't need to cry" but it still got me thinking.

What is so wrong about crying? Why is crying seen as a weakness to many people? My family cries, probably too much, but we all do and we always have (maybe with the exception of my sister who seems not to cry nearly as much as the rest of us do). Since I've been married to Andrew, I think because he doesn't cry, I've started to feel ashamed if I cry. I usually cry when I feel the spirit strongly, when I'm sad, when I'm mad, when I'm really happy...you get the picture.

When my Grandpa passed away recently I kept turning off emotions and tried not to think about passed memories or how I really felt because I was scared to cry. Ever since then I think I've done the same thing with everything. I tend to cry when singing because of love I have for the music and because it's usually a church song so the lyric speak to me a lot. I've not aloud this to happen, when I start to cry I stop singing and think of something else. I tell myself to focus on the notes individually instead of the melody or the words, just so I wont cry. I can often be found shedding a tear or two in sacrament meeting if I'm am especially touched by the spirit. As of late I think I actually block out those emotions or feelings so I don't cry.

I've noticed lately though that I've become hard, emotionally. I have the hardest time feeling the spirit or feeling the deep love I've felt in the past for total strangers among other things. Call me crazy but I think these two things are related to each other. I think I've began to look at cry as a weakness, as something that will give me away to other people if that makes any sense at all. I've been turning off or pushing away certain feelings because of the fear of how I often outwardly show those feelings.
I was reminded of a quote that I still have by Marvin J Ashton that I got in seminary and still keep in my scriptures next to a few verses that mention spiritual gifts.

"Taken at random, let me mention a few gifts that are not always evident or noteworthy but are very important. Among these may be your gifts-gifts not so evident but nevertheless real and valuable.

Let us review some of these less-conspicuous gifts: the gift of asking; the gift of listening; the gift of hearing and using the still, small voice; the gift of being able to weep; the gift of avoiding contention; the gift of being agreeable; the gift of avoiding vain repetition; the gift of seeking that which is righteous; the gift of not passing judgment; the gift of looking to God for guidance; the gift of being a disciple; the gift of caring for others; the gift of being able to ponder; the gift of offering prayer; the gift of bearing a mighty testimony; and the gift of receiving the Holy Ghost.

We must remember that every man is given a gift by the Spirit of God, it is our right and responsibility to accept our gifts and to share them. God's gifts and powers are available to all of us"

-Ensign, Nov. 1987

Well there you have it, right there. Being able to "weep" or to cry is not only not a weakness but in fact a gift given to us by our Heavenly Father. I no longer want to have to keep from crying so I can look tough (and avoid those big red blotchy eyes). I'm not sure why this is considered a gift yet, if you have any ideas please throw them at me, but I know it is and I know that when I try not to use it then I lose it. I really feel that over the months I have been shutting myself off from the spirit and those wonderful spiritual experiences just so I can save face. 

I would also like to add though that I certainly don't think people who don't often cry are heartless. I know that everyone shows their emotions in many many different ways and definitely don't judge my husband or anyone else for not crying. :)